


not as much as i do (bite your fists)

by newbie1990



Category: Christian Bible (New Testament)
Genre: Angst, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Lust, M/M, mildly, weird morally dodgy experimental fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-04-07 01:39:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14070099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newbie1990/pseuds/newbie1990
Summary: for a change, jesus' internal monologue. (title partly from the last of the real ones, which works alarmingly well with angsty jesus/judas.)





	not as much as i do (bite your fists)

he wonders, sometimes, in the dark of the night when he feels cradled against his father’s palm, what it would be to fall in love. it’s such a human thing, something impossible and a little beautiful. his eyelids droop, and.

(and he toys with the idea, an idle fancy -

NOT an idle fancy, but should it be?

a temptation, then, a call from the wild.)

(and he wonders if this thing he carries inside him would burn anyone up who got too close, would bend them into constellations with the impossibility of reaching inside his head and knowing, loving.)

(this thing. as if he carries it like a soldier’s pack, some chafing weight, longs to shuck it off and run to the ocean)

(he’s not alone. he knows that

(he knows, he knows, over and over he tells himself like the faithful reciting the shema, like the name of God invoked against a demon, he knows)

it’s not like that. it’s not. it’s not nothing, but it - the scrape of stubble over lips, the gurgling taste of laughter. a grief he wonders if he should even feel.

(and later they’ll say he wasn’t, he doesn’t, he faces the sun and the storm, valiant and bloodless, fearless with nothing to fear, a

_shadow_

\- do they know him? do you? can you know a forest fire? can you know a mother as she weeps, wraps herself around her son’s body, waters dead seed with tears, can you know that grief? don’t call me a constellation and ignore the ever-flowing tears. don’t look at my torn hands and think that never again could i build. i can tear the very stars from the sky, build forests from the ashes of your empires. i can love you until you scream.

fuck.

fuck.

did God ever feel lust? did God ever wake panting in the night? is that what you want to think about, jesus as his fists clenched tight, hissing, nails and heels of hands?

tell me, was judas the only one you ever kissed?

(trite, that. he knows, he knows he’s pressed lips together as if it’s nothing, the ease of a slap on a shoulderblade or an offered palm. it’s nothing. it’s not a kiss. say it again.

was judas your first kiss?

what the hell does that mean. do you want a love story in those last moments? he died broken-hearted, all the same.

‘he’. you could mean anyone, now. the tears are flowing and it’s hopeless.

falling in love

does it always end like this?


End file.
